Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
