he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize