U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
