I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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