I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
