You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize