I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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