This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
