Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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