how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
