I think I died a long time ago.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
