id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize