I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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