Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
