I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
