I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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