The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Randomize
