my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
