So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
