Life is so much better after having sex.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
