you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
