im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
The ass gains better be worth it
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