his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
