Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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