Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
