Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
