I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
