My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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