My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
