Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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