Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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