Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
