6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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