Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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