Your face is a jimmy john
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
