my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You need Xanax blowdarts
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
