Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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