i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
