areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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