we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
