Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
