I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
