a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
