When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
