i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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