You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
