My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
