I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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