as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
