i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
