whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
