I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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