Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
