I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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