my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Randomize
