Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
