I need to stop coming to work sober
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
