The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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