She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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