Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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