they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Randomize
