Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
don't judge my taste in strippers
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
